You must remember, that should you choose to love the devil, you must know that you cannot save him from himself, nor save yourself from him. It cannot be done.
Satan comes in all shapes and forms, more especially in the form of a tall, dark and handsome goon, who tells you he could give you the world, and you are foolish enough to believe him. Titus was a guy I could never have. You know the man you look at and think to yourself, no way in hell he looks at me twice. Only the pretty girls ever got a man like that, ever turned his head or anything. A man that looked good enough to eat, literally looked like candy on a stick. I was fresh out of high school, on a dating hiatus for months after my encounter with the broken Jacob. I was out on the market for a more solid, self assured man, now self assured at this moment meant big and scary, stupid as that may sound. I found guys my own age extremely boring, especially if they were squeamish. I felt like conversation with them rotted my brain. It was exhausting, I learnt a funny lesson later on in life from this frame of mind. But anyway I wanted someone older because obviously I couldn’t deal with a soft one with confidence issues. Combined with my own unknown ones it really wasn’t a pretty sight.
I never considered myself pretty, I had made peace with that. If you grow up as the chubby one in a lot of three other tall beautiful swans, you make peace with that quite quickly. So when Titus walked up to us, as we walked up the street, It never occurred to me that he was at all interested in me. I just thought he was some guy who fancied one of my sisters and that was it. But no, he walked right up to me and smiled, almost like he could read my mind. Even in that moment I honestly thought he wanted me to help him approach one of the girls. All he said was Hi, and straight to the point, can we hang out sometime. I was literally picking my jaw off the floor, and that was my biggest mistake with this one, from day one I gave him the impression that he was doing me a favour by picking me. And this is how I lost this one from day one. So like I mentioned, he was a looker, extremely tough exterior and bent to no ones rule. He was perfect. Titus, my Titus, I could not grasp the fact that I was with a man like this. So started the seven year long on and off relationship. And so the dating begun, we hang out daily, his siblings loved me. We looked perfect, he was rough around the edges and I smoothed them out. He was broken, and I was determined to make him okay. Sometimes the pieces cut me up and I was okay with that. We could make it through anything. Plus I appreciated the challenge, I was going to be the girl who changed the fallen angel into a bounty of grace again, boy! was I wrong.
He was bad for me, it was clear he was bad for me. In fact the first time I ever touched alcohol, was when he drove me so mad I could take it. My sisters hated him, they did not believe he was good enough for me, but I loved him, toxic as it may have been, I really did love him. He drunk a lot, and he always had bloodshot eyes, truth is he had an alcohol problem, and probably messed with a couple of substances. The cops were always looking for him, he could barely hold down a job and could barely stay in college long enough to earn any qualification. But I believed he had so much potential. That was the biggest trap, believing potential. He would always make great decisions but never see them through. And I foolishly believed I could change him, but the harder I tried the worse he got. And when life started getting hard for him, I got the short, rough end of the stick. The verbal and emotional abuse would come in spades. I tried to get his friends to talk to him but nothing, my sisters would not have it. I was alone in this. No way no how. He ghosted me, fell off the face of the earth like I never existed. First it was for days, then for weeks, later on in the years it turned to months. I always thought someone going quiet on you could not be a big deal, but it breaks down your mind, hurts you and kills you slowly especially when you love them. You start looking for the faults you think they see in you and sure enough you find them. Even when he was wrong, it was my fault and each time, it broke my mind down. He was killing me slowly and I couldn’t see it. Soon enough I was pining for his attention and he wasn’t giving any. I was making a fool of myself and he didn’t care. It was enough that he had an insecure girls’ affections. When the world was unkind and unfair to him, he rained fury on me. That ladies and gentlemen was my circle of life.
A couple of months later, I had to leave for university, to the big city of Lusaka. He wasn’t taking it well. He tried to talk me out of my going to pursue a higher education. I nearly abandoned it for him, but my father nearly killed me so I went. I was constantly on a bus every Friday and I would head back on Sunday in near tears. Feeling worse off than when I got there. He would rampage through my phone, and we would fight over nothing, he would let me know how much more he deserved than the scraps I gave him, and I would beg him to forgive me for doing nothing wrong. So valentines day came and I made a huge gesture, I was going to surprise him with a random visit. And surprise myself I did, I got to his house and there she was, standing in all her glory, about five or six months along, owning a kitchen that I supposedly thought was mine. I refused to believe she was anything else but family. So I got there and I asked her if Titus was around, with a huge grin on my face. She looked at me and smiled back and said, “You must be Nsama?” and I said yeah, then she said, “You can’t be here, Titus is with me. We have a baby on the way.” I’m pretty sure my soul crashed in that moment, I sank to the ground in utter shock and sat in the dust for a moment. I didn’t have the courage to ask her anything, I just knew she wasn’t lying, when you know, you know. She stood there looking at me as if I had lost my mind. I tried to call him on his phone, and nothing but I could hear it ringing, in the house. That is when I lost it, I walked into the living room and there he was in all his might, Satan reincarnated, rubbing his neck looking at me with half trepidation and half pride. He had broken me.
For killing my spirit a little had given him some validation. All I could do was cry, could barely get a word past the lump in my throat. I walked out with a valentines box in one hand and a backpack in the other, utterly defeated. The devil had taken a swing at my spirit and won that day, he had it for lunch. I walked to the station and cried for all two hours of the bus ride. It felt like my life was over, and in that moment I truly believed there was something seriously wrong with me, and I was going to find it and fix it. By the time the devil decided he wanted me back, for I was determined to make him mine, I would have the chains to hold him down this time, or so I believed.
5. Mfumu: Anothers’ King
Life will sometimes bring beauties your way, sometimes they will not stay, sometimes they are just not yours to keep.