Denial creates discipline…Silence is the blossoming of our indomitable inner will.
Two o’clock Sunday morning, I’m driving home in silence, no radio no nothing but my thoughts. A small little hope I had, had not gone through. And for a minute there I was expecting my heart to break but nothing. I tried to summon the tears, nothing and if you know me, you know my tears will flow on demand. There was just absolute silence, just peace and quiet. For the first time I was absolutely okay with the fact that something was not for me and life could continue minus nursing the hurt for three months. And since Saturday, I had been wondering what had gone right.
I had actively taken a vow of silence, about the things I did not have, I hoped for them I just refused to dwell on them, let alone speak of them. They were not here so I would not pay them much mind. Instead I nurtured what was here and that took up most of my time. And when the day of this hopes’ fate came to be decided I had mastered the ability of living without it. The church will call this a fast, even some dietitians will call it that, but mostly in reference to food, but you can absolutely do it with everything else holding you down. It’s not so you can lose weight or can finally attain it after going without it for so long, no. Denial creates discipline, it’s so you can breed an ability of discipline through self-denial. I have learnt that whatever you speak of you give power, whatever you give time you give power.
Speak nothing of what has you on your knees, that thing that puts dread in your heart. Mine was the complaining of my lacks, the things I did not have, twisted my hopes into dread and so I took my vow of silence. I would be lying if I said I never think of them in my silence, I do but with fondness and hope but they seldom consume my mind and if they do I refuse to speak of it. This is what I have done right, my fast. A vow of silence.
“Inner silence is not just the absence of thoughts. No! It is the blossoming of our indomitable inner will. Silence is our inner wisdom light.”