Sit back, Trust and Believe…
Self-condemnation will lead you to believe one of two things, that the control of everything in your life is either your solace or your penance, in my experience either way you’re trapped. Because the solace requires peace, controlling everything gives you no peace, you’re always looking out for the next disaster, for the next dragon you have to slay, holding everything tightly together in fear that it may fall apart like before. Penance is the worst, punishing yourself for mistakes you’ve made. By using control you reign yourself in. You believe you’re a fool for anything. When you believe that a floating mind is what got you in this mess in the first place. And so you will stick to the rule book you have written, hell will have to freeze over before you go out of line next. So your penance is to control everything, so that you do it right this time, and your mind won’t do you any favours, it will remind you constantly of past errors in judgement, that will make you feel even worse and make you hold onto the reigns even tighter. I can honestly say either of these options is no way to live.
Biggest mistake I made after deciding to change course on anything, was actually believing that I could make the new direction go my way. That I could control it and maybe this time because I had given it a better approach it would turn out just right, WRONG. I hadn’t changed the approach, all I changed was the course, it was still my way. My errors weigh me down, and control is my penance, my getting it right this time reminds me of all the times I have gotten it wrong. Then you quickly learn everyone is over your mistakes but you. I thought my controlling the course would give me some peace, because I knew where I wanted it to go, no impulsive movements anymore I thought, I was a grown woman, and a grown woman made solid decisions. I can honestly say I am tired, I will gladly take my hands off the wheel and let God have it. I don’t even want to ride shotgun. I will gladly be in the back sit because I’m exhausted and I obviously don’t know what I am doing.
Being a grown woman, man, or just a mare being turns out can also mean you learning when to relinquish control, that point when you realize that a higher power probably knows better than you ever will and all you have to do is sit back, trust and believe.
“I’ve learned that if you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.”