This isn’t going to be inspirational. its not going to be heartwarming or comforting. In fact its going to be slightly depressing, extremely cynical and skeptical. So if you are reading for an uplifting, am sorry to disappoint you. I can only hope by the time you get to the end of this blog you can relate or you have an answer for me. Well here goes, if you breath, you’re on two feet, can speak, well basically if you are in anyway human i don’t trust you. Quite a normal reaction from one being to the next I presume, you are strangers after all so it would have to take time.
APPARENTLY, I just learned that your first reaction to a stranger should be “Benefit of the doubt.” Well not this girl, NOOOO. Know when I meet you am braced for war, battle whatever you would call it. Just keep in mind that in my head there is a bazooka over a very high wall aimed at your head, ready to blow you sky high should you reveal your evil intentions . Because to me from get go you do not come in peace, am certain you have something sinister under your sleeve, you are out to get me so i must always be ready for a fight. I only realized this was my view of almost everyone, when over the weekend a friend stood me up and they told me there father had fallen ill and that’s why they couldn’t make it. I thought that person was lying, what disturbed me is why I would think they were lying. Sad but true, that’s how i function; you either lying to me, buttering me up, you think am stupid, you are spinning me fairy tales, or there is just literally no truth or kindness in anything you say or do to me. So I am always conditioned and set in a way that either way it goes, whether its good or evil am still safe. This conditioning is what is termed today as walls, super high, thick and safe but can be very cold too, keeps out the bad and the good too. I feel am missing out on the best parts of life, but the only options are either shut down or let the world run riot with your soul.
I was blissfully unaware of how damaged I am. But ever since it dawned on me, i have to honestly say its exhausting, to always be alert, to always make sure there is no cracks in the walls. Am at peace when am let be, but i don’t want to be let be. I want to be bothered and to be able to take it. To let people in and exercise less caution. If i was on mars i wouldn’t be too worried, but this is earth with over 7 billion strangers, So its either run ( and I am no coward) or face the music, which I want to do I just don’t know how, i honestly don’t know how to get around to trusting anyone, or even giving the benefit of the doubt. My aunt is always going on about how no man is an island, a true statement but an island is all I know how to be, i mean i have my little team but that’s all there truly is, everyone else is public enemy number one.
“Its not as easy as it seems to keep people at a distance, in fact its a lifetimes involuntary painful work.”